… On Depression and Suicide

There is a shock and emptiness when someone you know and love is suddenly gone … and it takes time to process, to grieve …

For those who have taken their own life, their pain and their journey is over … and for those of us who stay and continue this life’s journey, we deal with the pain and loss and we live …

We try to understand why this happened, why did they leave, how could they be so “selfish”, what did I do, or didn’t do that could have changed this … there is the hurt, the emptiness, the anger …

So I’m writing this, first, for the living …

Nobody wants to talk about suicide … nobody wants to talk about depression … there seems to still be a taboo about the subject … people will mourn the death of a loved one, the shock of sudden loss, the sharing and the comforting of friends and family

… and then when everyone is alone, when there is no one to hold onto or to share, they will think about how this happened … because the subject of suicide is a taboo and people shouldn’t talk about it …

… Bullshit …

NOW is the time to talk about it !… it is a part of your loved ones’ life, not something to be hidden … you HAVE to talk about this surrounded by the ones you love!

If your loved one dies from Cancer, or heart attack, or stroke … you talk about it, right?

Depression is a Cancer! It is a disease … Suicide is a heart attack …

a fatal stroke …

The questions come up when we are alone…

“I wish I had known it was that bad…”

…Some of us have diseases in ourselves we don’t know about at this very minute … this is a part of life …

“How could they be so selfish …”

… it has NOTHING to do with being selfish, the person who takes their own life is the victim of their disease … we would never say “ They had a heart attack, how could they be so selfish …” … it may seem like a choice … but it’s not … suicidal ideology is a symptom of a disease … and when the depression and the pain become too great, your body says “ENOUGH” … and gives up …

“What if I had done this … or that …or listened more…”

…these are the questions we ask because we desperately try to understand … we need to rationalize … we need to explain … to blame … someone or ourselves for this …

No … just no …

… this is being struck by a car, this is a heart attack, this is something that NOBODY, not even the victim could stop …

People with Cancer go to doctors… get Chemo … get radiation … change diets and lifestyles and do EVERYTHING they need to do to get better …

… and die anyway …

You can do all the right things … get counseling, get medication, call the suicide help lines, be surrounded by friends and family that love and support you …

…and die anyways …

There is nothing to rationalize… you can’t blame yourself, others or the victim …

it just IS …

The cancer cells in a person’s body belong to that person … the pain is caused by their own cells … it’s a disease …

It’s the same with depression and suicide …

Some of us survive … I say “us” because I’ve been here … I have scars you can see … and many you can’t see … I battled this illness for years and there were several times I almost lost the battle … It was a long time ago, but it is a part of my life …

I survived …

not everyone does …

it’s a cancer …

I’m writing all of this because, earlier this week my brother-in-laws’ sister, Nora, took her own life …

… and it needed to be talked about …

Nora was a wonderful person who was loved and supported by her family and friends … she touched many lives and she fought hard to live … just because she lost her battle doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be talked about … she was a believer in suicide awareness and prevention programs and she wouldn’t want this buried under a rug …

There are a lot of resources out there and I’m going to list one …

If you are suffering from depression and are in crisis or just need to talk, call

1-800-273-TALK (8255)
This is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline …

Nora was in a lot of pain, and she fought hard … she was loved and she will be missed greatly …

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Rest in Love, Nora Kathleen Devine … 3.3.1966 – 6.20.2016

Episode 50 – Shiny Red Button

On today’s episode I talk about Shiny Red Buttons and I have a wonderful interview with author Katrina Ray-Saulis …

 

You can find Katrina at: http://imaginekatrina.blogspot.com/
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Music on today’s show is from Wendy Rule, Gaia Consort, FeatherScale, and Winter in Eden.

Enjoy! … Brightest Blessings 🙂

 

 

 

 

Ramblings #004 – Happy New Year

Happy New Year !! …

A little about Perception and wishing you all a Happy New Year! 🙂

Clip music is “These are the Times” by STYX

Ramblings #003 – Samhain

Blessed Samhain!! …

Sharing a short horror story I wrote and wishing everyone a Happy Halloween and Blessed Samhain! 🙂

Clip music is “Wytches” by Inkkubus Sukkubus

A Story for a Sad Day :-(

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“Chapters” by Robert Webber Chipman

The old man lay propped up in bed looking out the hospital window when his nurse came in. The nurse smiled as she adjusted the monitors and tubes hooked up to him.

“How are you feeling today?” She asked …

“I’m feeling fine,” He said in a raspy voice, “…but I’m going to die today.”

Before the nurse could protest, he quickly said “No, no … it’s OK… everyone has their time and today is mine.”

He took a couple of labored breaths as the machines beeps and buzzed around him…

“I think about time a lot nowadays and about life in general … did I ever tell you about a cat I had when I was younger? I used to enjoy going to rummage and estate sales and I went to one at a farm nearby a long time ago … amongst all the treasures for sale was a sign which said “ free” and “cats” … which happen to be two of my favorite words … I was living alone in an 8 x 16 foot camper and thought some company would be nice so I went over to look.”

“They had a few dozen barn cats and the farm owners had to thin out the herd so they were giving them away … there were all different types of tabbys and shorthairs but it was a small tortoise shell kitty that rubbed up against my leg and wanted to come home with me. I picked her up and she had the prettiest blue/green eyes.”

“The farmers had named her Precious but that didn’t seem right … So I called her ‘Princess’ and that was her name from then on … I lived in that camper for three more years and when I would go to bed she would crawl up on my chest , curl into a ball and purr her way to sleep … she was a sweet girl.’

“For seventeen years her favorite pastime was sleeping in sunbeams … she would curl up next to me for some belly rubs and hours of purring … then one day she looked up at me and her beautiful blue/green eyes seemed to say ‘I’m feeling fine. But I’m going to die today.’”

The old man coughed a few times and took another breath and the nurse checked another monitor…

“I have had many pets, but I never forgot her … it’s like a favorite chapter of a book … the chapter ends, and it has to … or else the story can’t keep going on …”

He coughed again,

“… Chapters have to end… ” He smiled, “… but the story doesn’t …”

The old man closed his eyes as the alarms from the monitors sounded … he could hear the nurse calling for help and people rushing around, but he was OK … it was time to sleep.

….

His eyes opened … “What a weird dream…” he thought as Mama-cat started licking his head “… with beeps and alarms and…” , he stretched his paws out and the dream was forgotten. “Time to play” he thought and ran over to his brothers and sisters. He looked up as the door opened and several humans walked in … a little girl looked around the room and suddenly saw him. “That’s the one!” She said excitedly, “ Can we keep him!” and ran over to pick him up…

The parents smiled and said “Yes, you can keep him”…

She hugged the little kitten and looked into his face and said “ I’m going to call you ‘Prince’”

He curled up in her arms, smiled and started purring and thought “ So now I have a new human and a new name … and she has the prettiest blue/green eyes.”

—————————————————–

AUTHORS NOTE

We live and gather experiences on this journey of life and like a book we have chapters … some chapters are long, some are short … some chapters start out slow and some hit the ground running… each page is an important part of our individual stories… and some stories you wish could go on forever.

The details in this story of how I met my kitty, Princess, are true and the past 17 years have been a wonderful chapter in my life.

Today this chapter ended and her story and journey continues on the other side… I miss my Princess and hope that maybe in another story and in another time she can be my human and I can be her kitty …

R.I.P. little one …

Ramblings #002 – No Brakes !!

No Brakes !! …

…talking about a close call driving my car a couple weeks ago 🙂

Clip music is “I Can’t Drive 55” by Sammy Hagar

Ramblings #001 – Introductions

Introductions …

…Just a reintroduction and a welcome to the new podcast 🙂

Clip music is “Changes” by Yes

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes …

So yesterday I turned fifty years old … I don’t feel that old … although I am becoming acutely aware that I may have fewer years ahead of me than I have behind me.

It kinda feels like when you get to the top of a roller-coaster and you just barely start going over that top edge … and you look down … and you know that the ride is about to REALLY start … and that it’s time to start screaming and waving your hands around …

I’m comfortable with that … life has been an interesting roller-coaster ride and I’ve made it a half century and am looking forward to the next half  🙂 …

So concerning “A Pagan Heart in Maine” … I’ve been M.I.A. this year but I haven’t podfaded yet 🙂 …

I want to quote the great songwriter Paul Williams … “Something needs to change , and it’s probably me.” …

Change is coming … it’s good change … “A Pagan Heart in Maine” will return … when? I really don’t know, I just know that it will 

Until then change is starting with a new look to the website and a change of focus for the podcast … I’ll get into details about the changes and why when I record this coming week (YAYYY! finally !! ).

Welcome to “Ramblings of a Pagan Heart”!

Brightest Blessings!

New Years Resolution

So 2014 was a hard year for a lot of people … it was here in the Moonsong household …

The highlights started almost exactly a year ago in January when Sandy, Alta and I were broadsided in Alta’s RAV4 by someone going too fast on icy roads…

Surgeries and health issues kept one or more of us in the hospital or flat on our backs healing for over 7 months of the year …

We said goodbyes to friends who have crossed over …

We have watched the news … enough said about that …

There are no promises that life is easy, common thoughts are that it is just the opposite …

Bottom line … 2014 kinda sucked … but it is past … as each day passes and is past …

And we still go forward …

So I want to share balance for 2014 going forward …

In 2014, we went on a few island cruises and enjoyed the fresh air and tides …

We purchased 5 acres of land to build our new home on and put our beach home up for sale …

My artwork has been a wonderful release and focus and it has been a joy following my muse.

Each of us here has laughed, rested and lived this past year … and that is the balance … bad things happen and good things happen … we draw from each what we need and we focus on today … and tomorrow … Past is past and we keep what want to carry forward and leave the crap where it belongs … in the past.

So my resolution for the new year is this …

I will live each day as it comes … I will embrace the good and deal with the bad as it happens … and set my focus on Joy, Laughter and Peace …

This is life and this is what we do … 🙂

Very Sad Day Today :-(

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So today is a very sad day in our home.

Today we said goodbye to our cat, Spunky.

About 14 months ago Spunky’s kidneys started to fail and He stopped eating so we took him to Cat’s on Call, our vet clinic. We came very close to losing him at that time and after a couple days in the hospital was able to come home with a new regiment of meds and fluids he would have to have every day. He was back to being his old self, just a lot skinnier and maybe feeling his age a bit more … don’t we all 🙂

We knew at that time that every day we had with him was an “extra” day and a blessing. We knew that he was an old kitty and that the meds and fluids would not work forever.

Over the past few months we noticed that he was starting to lose weight again. He was still eating and was still active, he just couldn’t absorb the water … Four days ago he lost his appetite and we took him to our Vet on Tuesday … The exam and blood tests showed that his body was finally shutting down, and that there just wasn’t anything to be done … it was Spunky’s time.

Sandy, Alta and I spent the day with Spunky. We were not going to let him suffer so we had to let him go.

Spunky was a rescue kitty. He was what they call a “Tuxedo” or “Jellicle” cat. He was adopted from the local animal shelter. We didn’t know what his life was before he was adopted, but we did know that he was a jittery little thing and was terrified of plastic bags. He was a young cat, maybe a year or two old.

I had adopted Spunky several years before Sandy and I met. Spunky fit right in with the family and it wasn’t anytime at all before he really became “Alta’s cat”. Alta and Spunky were best friends and would spend most of their time together.

For thirteen years Spunky has been a part of my life. He was always an independent kitty and you could only pet him on his terms … unless you were Alta. He got over his fear of plastic bags.

He would piss off Princess, our tortoise shell kitty, to no end until she would bat the hell out of him and then later they would be curled up together on one of the beds. He loved to chase laser-pointer lights. He had favorite toys and would carry them around like baby kittens; his favorite was a little purple octopus with bells on it.

He would come into our room at all hours of the night and jump up on top of Sandy and I, pinning us down like a World Wrestling Federation wrestler.

There are things that I know in life…

I know that all things physical come to an end. All things age and die, animal and human, plant and rock …

I know that the spirit is eternal, the spirit is energy and energy cannot be destroyed, only released and transformed. The spirit never dies, animal and human, plant and rock …

I know that everything we see, everything we hear, everything we touch, everything we feel has purpose and reason … that we are woven into this tapestry of not just life, but existence … The lives we meet and the experiences we share become a permanent part of that tapestry …and we are connected to each other forever by that sharing.

I know that it is right to grieve the physical loss of a good friend and companion. We shared so much time together and experienced so much. There is the sadness of knowing that we must continue on this part of our journey apart, and those who we have traveled with for so long must continue with the next part of their journey.

I know, that with the sadness, that I can also have peace and healing of that grief because we are spiritual beings, eternal and growing, animal and human, and that the experiences that we have shared are not broken by physical death. Our spirits are woven together.

There are also things I don’t know … I don’t know what lies around the corner of the paths we follow, when we leave the physical behind … I have my beliefs of what may happen, but I don’t know … nobody does … whether to Heaven or the Summerlands to be reborn, Valhalla or Nirvana … we … don’t … actually … know.

That’s ok … I don’t think we are supposed to know … we can’t see around corners … what I DO know is that our spirits are connected forever and THAT can never be broken.

No matter what lies on the other side of the veil of life and death, in what forms our spirit takes, to what journeys lay before us, physical or celestial … we are together, and our spirits will meet again.

We gave Spunky a wonderful life full of love and joy and he gave us the same … It has been an honor and privilege to share this mortal part of his journey with him. We will miss him with all our hearts until we see him again.

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